Transitions Are Rough

Yesterday I spent much of the day on Ila Time. That is, we played or read or walked around the house with her little shopping cart and stroller as she wanted to. Despite this, she was extremely resistant to transition to other activities when I had to enforce them. I had a doctor's appointment, so we had to go over to Grandma's. She didn't really want to get off the potty to do that. Then, once we were at Grandma's, she didn't want to get out of the car. This is a hot car in Tucson in May. The appeal obviously wasn't the car itself. We went to the library in the early evening and she didn't want to get out of the car once we got home, again. I remember that, at one of the schools we visited, the director making a comment about “gently moving the kids inside” after being outside, after which she said, “transitions are rough.” I guess that's what we're facing here.

We've been reading parenting books that emphasize “non-coercive” parenting strategies. Say you want your child to put her clothes on, any clothes even just those little bloomers that go under a dress and that shirt that is so small it looks like a bib, you need to get out of the house to make it to an appointment and you've been trying to gently get her ready for an hour. Now, you may be tempted to force her to put her clothes on or bribe her or give her an ultimatum and practice “love withdrawal” (isolating her – time out her until she does what you want) or in some other way assert your authority, but that would be coercive parenting. Even called “violent parenting” by some books.

I get it. I mean, I think some of this might be a touch overblown, but I like the love and reason style parenting (or teaching)...it's just NOT efficient. Non-coercive parenting techniques are generally the slowest way to do things. In addition, I find that I have to frequently readjust what I think we need to do.  This is, I suppose, the slow parenting movement.  (I imagine there is one out there.)  For example, I think, “Oh we have two hours before we need to be home again, we can run to the store to get paper towels and sun screen in plenty of time.” Only to decide, after an hour of slowly moving at Ila speed toward departure, that maybe I don't really need to go today; maybe we should just stay home and draw and read. It's sort of like when she was tiny and I didn't really want to bother leaving the house...we've come full circle.

I try to remind myself that each phase of childhood has its own natural rhythm and time. Toddler time is very slow when it comes to abandoning a perfectly good activity, like reading Olivia Saves the Circus 17 times, for a hot car ride to some boring grocery store. I can't blame her, I guess. It's just a balancing act – getting done the things we really need to, being realistic about the things that don't really need to happen, and just generally slowing down enough to be present and available for her. I can't say I always do it with grace, but I am trying.

Olive Too.

So, right around Valentine's Day, Ila said “I love you” to me for the first time ever. Well, technically, she said, “Olive too,” but I know what she meant. In the intervening month, she has gotten a little closer to the standard pronunciation, but it still often sounds like a strange contraction, “lovetoo.” I think she's trying to say, “I love you, too,” or maybe she just can't say words that start with y? Either way, waking up with her in the mornings now, which was already so snuggly and sweet, is even more adorable punctuated by her little attempts to tell me she love me. It's very lovely. I know that co-sleeping doesn't work for some folks, and I get that, especially on nights she's very restless, but I can't imagine not having her in our bed right now. When she wakes up now, she says, “kiss” and “hug” repeatedly while she gives us snuggles. How freaking cute is that?

Speaking of standard pronunciation, I'm trying to just revel in all her odd little saying as I know they will not be here forever. “Bub-bel-ee wa wa” for carbonated water, which she weirdly really loves. “Blank-uh-let” for blanket, which is my favorite right now. But I know these little Ila-isms will not be around forever. She used to say “block-oh-lee” for broccoli, and she's already lost that. The last few weeks her pronunciation has been getting better and better. And she said her first full, real sentence last week, “It's right here” (about a temporary tattoo on her knee). What a simple sentence, yet it sounded so sophisticated and erudite after so many weeks of “Mama, drive” or “Mommie, walk” or “Eat, peas, corn.” It's amazing to see her really focus and grow verbally...but it's also a little sad to see some of the most surprising and humorous pronunciations go.

 I've been trying to record samples of her speech. However, she has become fixated on watching videos of herself on my camera (hopefully not the start of an extremely narcissistic personality) whenever I take it out to record anything. She just asks to see "the baby"...

I am now in school again, so we've been looking for a preschool. That's fun. Meh. Actually, I shouldn't complain too much, we found one we really like that had a spot for her in the fall. Now that she is almost two, there are a lot more options out there. I look forward to having a place that she will – hopefully – enjoy going to so that I can get work done...but I also feel torn about losing so much Ila time. It somehow feels different than when her grandparents watch her now. When they watch her, it sort of feels like an extension of our little family unit, still close to us and part of our lives. I guess that's why picking a pre-school that really “feels” right, with nice families, etc. is so important. I want to be clear...I don't feel guilty about leaving her exactly...it's more like I feel greedy, like I should be the person who witnesses most of her little toddler moments of life...I don't want these pre-school interlopers. I'm not sure this is a super-functional and healthy feeling. I mean, it's really about me...Ila can certainly grow by having some time with other adults and children in a safe, nurturing environment. I'm not saying it's required at the age of two, but it can be great for a toddler. After all, I am not, realistically, going to keep her home forever and home school her...but I am a teensy bit embarrassed to say that I sort of secretly want to do this.

I'm not necessarily convinced she loves being away from me for long periods of time anyway. I mean, I think she will adjust and enjoy pre-school, but there is definitely a threshold she hits and then just wants to be with me. I think children are supposed to be “energetically” connected to their mothers until they are three according to Chinese medicine...this seems about in keeping with my experience. She is certainly becoming more and more opinionated, more individuated, but she still feels very, very sensitive to how long she is apart from me. This can be stressful, of course, but I remind myself that this is such a tiny, fleeting amount of her life. And much of the time, especially during morning snuggles, this connection feels so completely wonderful that it's easy to forget about how difficult it is to, say, do the dishes when she wants me to hold her the entire time.

The Weeee Game

One of the best parts of this phase of Ila's life is her burgeoning friendships with other children. Two weeks ago she started using language with other little kids. Her language use in general has expanded wildly in the last month - number of words, short phrases, the use of commands - but when she actually turned to another little child her age and spoke to them, I realized what a huge leap this is. She has gone from speaking only a little, and usually to adults she knows, to trying words out even on the other strange little people around her. She's always been fascinated (as all children are) with other young-ins, but now she has more tools to connect. Pretty amazing to watch, even if no actual words are being exchanged...a whole new level of her self - her social self - is developing because of the impulse behind talking and communication.

"'Wing, 'Wing, 'Wing"

As soon as I've noticed something amazingly, ridiculously hilarious and adorable that Ila does...she stops. For instance, she loves to peel the papery outer-layer off onions and garlic. (This in itself is not particularly adorable. It's funny until you find little bits of onion paper and little cloves of garlic all over the house.) So, garlic has become a favorite object and worthy of being called by a name, as opposed to the many objects that are still simply pointed at. The way Ila says “garlic” is quite adorable. “Gark,” rhyming with “park” with a full, hard k and a little guttural all around, like a bark. Next to “ock” for “sock” or “wing” for “swing” it was my favorite Ila word...but now it's sounding more like “garik.” I guess I should cheer her development, but I sort of want her to keep saying ridiculous things like “boo-ie” for booby (a favorite word and object) or “pi-coh” for pine cone. Or “pa-co-ine” for pop corn. So fun. On the other hand, a 10 year old who speaks like a 2 year old is not really so cute, but it's hard to remember that when Ila is babbling away in her half-speak.



She is babbling away now, though she is a bit reticent about talking around other people. It's interesting because she's not really that shy, except with language. But at home, she's saying more and more. In fact, we've gotten to the stage where she'll say a string of words, and I can only nod and smile because I understood maybe two things. She speaks with great zest and enthusiasm...just not with great pronunciation. What's interesting is that, in the last week or so, she says a bunch of words together...but not necessarily as a sentence, per se. She doesn't really have syntax yet. So, she might say, “pine cone ball slide boom uh oh” all in a row, but really they are just individual exclamations. I'm excited to get to the subject verb, simple sentence phase. Though, she does use the imperative. “Walk!” is a common command issued when she wants us to come look at something, take her outside, pick her up and take her somewhere. It's a sort of cover-all for her wants and needs.

Along with all her new language, her affection is probably the most fetching thing about her. I cannot express how much I love the little kisses she freely proffers in the mornings when she just wakes up. She also likes to lie in bed for a while, snuggling. She nestles in so that I’m spooning her...and it is indescribably lovely. Yesterday, she said, “Mommie,” to Kiyomi and then, when Kiyomi turned to her, Ila kissed her three times...just because she wanted to. So sweet. I get it, this baby thing. It's pretty amazing.

Then, there are the times that I want to ram my head against the wall because she won't go to sleep or she wants something we've just taken away, and she's hollering and head banging. Or, she is shrieking, “up-pee” (up, please) at the top of her lungs while my hands are completely full. Actually, to be fair, Ila doesn't really scream and wail too much...but she is starting to have real memories of objects around her. We used to just holler and point at some imaginary attraction in the distance so that we could slip an offending object out of her grasp. She would fall for it, maybe whimper a little but was easily distracted. Now, she knows. She wants whatever it was. She can guess with skill where we slipped it, and she'll employ all forms of bellowing and hollering to inform us that we should return it. And, if it's a food treat, she employs her oft used “moh” (with a raised tone at the end, like a question) for “more.”

She also seems to be developing a particularly slap-stick centered sense of humor. Yesterday, I made ridiculous faces while shaking my head around. Uproariously, apparently. This morning, while Kiyomi was dancing around with Ila, she pretended to run into the wall. Hilarious. And it was just as funny the sixth time. I imagine this is a totally normal stage of cognitive development...but it feels so unique and world-altering to see an actual sense of humor developing...it's like she's turning into a real human!

Mama

So, Ila says "mama" now. Well, actually, she shouts "mamam" or a sharp staccato "mam" from across the house. She hasn't really branched out in her use of the word - no sweet "mama" when we snuggle or even a whimpered "mama" when she cries. It's pretty much a demanding holler whenever she uses it, usually when she can't see me because I've walked out of the room to get a glass of water or answer the phone. It's sort of like the baby version of the pool game "Marco Polo," only she's always the searcher. I can't really reciprocate. If I call "Ila" she may or may not respond, depending on her mood and how engrossed she is in whatever she's doing. And she's not at the verbal stage where she responds to a call with words. She may physically appear if you call her, but probably not, especially if she is doing something she deeply enjoys like taking out all the cloth diapers and unfolding them, strewing them all over the room and house.

I'm not sure what scene I had pictured in first being called "mama" or "mommy." I suppose I assumed it would be used like a name, "Mama"...maybe with a soft little kiss on my cheek. Okay. No, I don't think I was silly enough to picture that. I just assumed it would be like, "Mama, up!" Or, "Mama, read!" But Ila is just barely starting to use the names of objects as terms to indicate what she wants, needs, can't find, etc. She still pretty much uses names as declarations. Book! Ball! Hat! There they are, she wants to say. Right there. Paper! Crayon! She's the town crier for inanimate objects around here.

This stage is actually a little frustrating for everyone, Ila included. When she wants something that she knows the word or sign for, she still often doesn't use it. I'll say, the voice of preschool teachers ringing in my head, "Can you use a word or a sign, Ila?" Of course she ignores this. Once I've figured out what she's probably wanting, I'll say, for instance, "Do you want to nurse? You can use your sign." She sometimes will then sign for it, but sometimes she continues to be frustrated, though she clearly wants to nurse. It's such a bizarre gap between having some words and knowing how to employ them. I have to admit, it's seems a little like a prison to me, having only 30 or so words and signs to communicate everything you want or need. I'm amazed she's not constantly throwing her blocks at the wall in rage. Fortunately, she is so fascinated by everything around her, absorbing so much new information, that she isn't usually caught up in frustration. It is amazing to watch her make connections. Everyday she says something new or does something new.



Lately, she's been really into putting diapers on her stuffed animals. She's always been freakishly obsessed with cloth. Wash cloths, blankets, towels. She also loves cloth diapers. She lays them on the ground, smooths them, picks them up, lays them down somewhere else. So, the other day, I put a diaper on one of her bears. Well. That was probably the most amazing thing she'd ever seen. She promptly took it off the bear and indicated that I should put it back on. We repeated this about 56 times, until I started to lose my mind and told Ila she should try it on her own. I went into the kitchen to make our lunch and left her to play with the bear and his diaper. Several minutes later she came to me and handed me the bear...whose leg was mysteriously wet. I had my suspicions, so I followed the little droplets of water all the way to the bathroom. She had taken off bear's diaper, like we do hers, put the little toilet seat reducer on the toilet and put bear on the potty. Or, rather, in the potty. I was torn between feeling a little sad about bear's new toilet bowl leg and the adorableness of Ila wanting to help her bear go to the potty.



We've started putting clothes and shoes on this bear along with diapers. She eats it up! And, she's really attached to this particular stuffed animal, which, before, she barely even looked at. It's so interesting how caring for an object (or person, I suppose) endears it to us. Sure, sometimes when that little person is awake for an hour in the middle of the night, it's not exactly endearing, but overall, it is sweet to feel that you can care for another person, you can offer help and kindness and love. And there are such moments of sweetness, even in the middle of the night. Often, when she wakes up, Ila will now stroke my side as she nurses or snuggles me. She is truly coming into her own, affection-wise. She likes to give kisses and cuddles in the mornings and this, fortunately, snaps me out of the zombie state I may have been in only moments before, still groggy and unrested from a less than ideal night.

Lexicon

My favorite new word of Ila's is definitely "mole." Not like the animal, like the little brown spots my skin is covered with. She's been fascinated by my moles for a number of months. It's particularly lovely when she tries to pinch and pull the few around my neck that are a bit raised. I get to say fun things like, "Ila please be gentle with Mama's moles." At any rate, she obviously absorbed that these spots are moles because the other day she kept poking me on my knee and saying, "Mo," as in "mo" (poke) "mo" (poke) "mo" (poke). I was bathing her, so I wasn't super focused on what she was saying until about the 8th poke. Then, I realized she was trying to tell me something. She was pointing out my moles.

Now, why, I would like to know, would she decide this is an important word to absorb and use when she seems completely and entirely uninterested in words that have much more practical applications like "eat" or "yes" or, even, "no"...or, the lovely "mama?" Sigh. I admit, it would be sweet if she actually called me mama. All in the fullness of time, I suppose. Realistically, she shakes her head for "no" and does her signing for "eat"...but there are so many other practical words that she hasn't adopted yet.

It is fascinating to observe which words she plucks out of the hundreds she hears each day to try out and repeat. Her earliest words, after "egg" and "Bob" (for a stuffed bobcat toy), were "ball," "hat," "hot" and "water." Technically they were "ba," "haa," "ha," and "wa." "Ball" and "water" are not surprising. She loves playing with both of these, so these word selections make sense easily. Why "hot," though? I wasn't even aware that I used that much with her. However, I suppose, when I'm holding something hot, I am very emphatic and clear about it. Maybe she picks up on this extra emphasis - the word seems important, so she makes special note of it.

On the utilitarian side of things, she added "up" (pronounced exactly right) shortly after the above words. She likes to use it semi-automatic style, "up up up up up up up up up up." Towards the end they're screeched if you're not complying quickly enough. Whenever Kiyomi or I walk into the kitchen, she is sure to race in and hit you with a volley of "up's." This room is, obviously the hub of lots of interesting activity, and she doesn't want to miss anything. These days, we have to stand her on a chair or step stool by the counter, give her her little apron, and let her "help." Helping pretty much means tasting everything, smearing food across the counter, or banging the mixing spoons around. It's pretty adorable if you just roll with it. If you are very attached to getting whatever it is done quickly, it's a little less cute.

She is so much more...capable. I suppose that's the right word. For instance, it feels like she understands the majority of what I'm saying. The other day, she was "helping" me make scones. I was cutting in cold butter to my flour mixture, and, after cutting off a few "tastes" of the butter for Ila, I asked her to put a few pieces of butter into the mixing bowl. Well, I'm positive she understood what I asked her to do, but she had a better plan. Why not "taste" these much larger pieces of butter as well? She did want to put the chunks of butter into the bowl...she just wanted to eat them more.

She's also much more physically dexterous. She can eat with a spoon, with a surprising degree of accuracy. She is running...actually, more like trotting, but it's way more coordinated than the bizarre trip-step hop she was trying out a couple months ago. She's able to put stacking rings onto their spindle. She can manipulate little things with her fingers. Just thing, a year ago, she was a little blob that could barely grasp a rattle when I forced it into her fingers. It's impressive how much kids learn and grow in the first couple years of life.

She just seems to know what she's doing more. She bit my nipple while I was nursing her and chatting with folks during our visit to the cottage. She hasn't done this many times, and I responded with my usual "no" and put her down routine. This is, of course, very upsetting for her. However, she came back a while later and signed to nurse. She starting nursing, and I looked down at her. She very gently made a biting face then shook her head, as if to say, "I may want to, but I would never do that horrible biting thing." Her little face was so earnest, I wanted to laugh. Sometimes it seems she's particularly cute and hilarious when she's experimenting and pushing the limits. I know that I ought not laugh at certain things, but it is difficult. Other times, have no problem not laughing. She dropped a stuffed toy in the toilet right after peeing in it...that was a moment I did not laugh. (While telling Kiyomi about it later, though, I did chuckle.)

She watches everything then experiments with weird gestures. She's got this fake smile she pops out and works on occasionally. Last month she was shrugging her shoulders in a prolonged cutesy way. Yesterday, she was shaking one hand spastically in the air as she'd seen me do when I was shaking water off my own hand. Today, she's putting her head down and slouching around like Quasimodo. Some things are clearly imitation. Others, I'm not certain where they came from.

She has added a few more words to her permanent repertoire in the last couple weeks, "book," "uh-oh," "bike," "Willa" (our friends' daughter's name), "apple", "banana" (pronounced, oddly, "meena") and "help." But I can see that it will be a while until she is truly talking. It's sort of charming that she's so sparsely verbal, though. It adds to the feeling that nothing is premeditated for Ila. Limited language, limited planning. There's something so unstudied and present about everything Ila does. She walks around the house, busy with a block or ball, then tosses that aside, walks to another room, barks like a dog in response to the neighbor's dogs, repeats a stray word I say, points to a succession of five things some with accompanying gestures or sounds, then wanders on again.

Egg

Ila said her first word. Sure it was two weeks ago, Saturday the 23rd, and it's taken me an eon to find a minute to write this...but she said her first word!!! Egg, long aaaaaa, silent g. We are particularly fond of the face contortions that go along with this word.



Our friends were over for dinner, and Ila started saying "egg," with her own, charming pronunciation, of course. I was doubtful that she was actually saying "egg" at first, but our friend Jenny was sure. Ila kept repeating it, and Jenny was right. Egg it is. I was trying to get Kiyomi to bet with me about what her first word would be. She thought it would be something sweet and affectionate, like one of our cat's names. I thought it would be some object that she loved, like "keys,"her current favorite object in the world. Ila loves her toy eggs and actual eggs, so I think I kind of won that bet.



Other than that, she has added some more sounds, including a pretty adorable soft roar whenever she sees pictures of lions, tigers, bears, leopards, etc. In fact, she is really into repeating animal sounds. She's sort of meowed and barked, kind of quacked, done a little oinking and clucking, along with some serious fish gulping, cow mooing, and roaring. I find myself wondering if she's going to be autistic in the Temple Grandin style of autism, you know, really in touch with animals, seeing and thinking like them. This is, perhaps, a ridiculous worry, but it is what I think of each time she adds a new animal sound.

Right this moment, she is fake coughing and covering her mouth. Then, she looks at me expectantly. If I don't follow suit fast enough, she covers my mouth for me - with her hand - and fake coughs, with a look that's a little like, "Okay, Mama, this is easy. You can handle it." Technically this is Ila time, I should be playing with her. And she obviously feels this. But, I wanted to jot a quick note on her first word before I forget it all. See, she's dumping water onto the floor from her sippy cup. Hmm, now she's feeding me a blueberry she put in her mouth then took out to put into mine. Mmmm. Retribution? Or regular toddler antics?