Ila & the Rotten Eggs

So, Ila's Christmas present to us was the worst night of sleep ever. Seriously, compared with the beginning of her life, this was quite extraordinary. Those first few nights of her life were hard, and I felt like a trauma survivor only sort of surviving, but Ila herself wasn't really fussy. On Christmas Eve however, she woke every 45 minutes or so and screamed when she woke up. Teething? Too much excitement? I'm not sure, but it was hideous. It's a good thing she didn't do this earlier - back in June or July, when we were really strung out on new infant insanity - because somebody might have lost it.

Since then, it hasn't been so bad, just her usual waking a few times or being awake a while. However, I just snuggle her and try to go back to sleep. This is so much better than having to get up and walk her around just to keep her from shrieking. I have no idea what I would have done if Ila had been more of a screamer or had had colic. You sort of partially lose your mind in those situations, I think. I imagine you feel like you're doing something wrong, you drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what it could be, but it's really totally out of your control. Ugh, next to "be patient," "admit you don't have control and accept it" is my least favorite life lesson.

After Ila's night of hollering, I think she was a courting a little no-sleep hysteria. She had a crazy laughing fit in the morning when Kiyomi threw an eggshell back down into the egg crate. So, Kiyomi scolded the eggs and violently abused them for ten solid minutes to Ila's utter delight. What a bizarre sense of humor she has.



For the New Year, I would like to try and enjoy the present. I realized last night after watching the very dark new Harry Potter movie (much better than the last!), that I am always thinking about endings. I'm not sure if I'm a "glass half empty" or "glass half full" person; I only know for certain that I'm a person who is obsessing about when my glass will be empty even if it is totally full and what I'm going to do about it and how I'm going to get it filled back up and whether I can even be happy without a full glass.

I realized this about myself right after college. I found that when I was on vacation, I had this panicky feeling about how quickly my lovely trip would go and how sad I would be when it did end. Sort of gets in the way of just enjoying reality, no? Now I'm doing the same thing with Ila. I move through my days with this vaguely panicky feeling that she's going to grow so fast, that I will be old and sad and without my sweet baby, who will be off on her own, walking around on two grown legs, thinking and eating and learning and living her life, in about two heartbeats or something insane like that. Who needs that pressure? So, I say, I'll try to enjoy the present without obsessing about it ending and changing.

To that end, yesterday morning, I was lying in bed waking up with her from our morning nap (I had to join her for this one - holiday exhaustion) just enjoying being close to her. She moves her hands around in front of her when she's lying on her back waking up. She was doing these tiny and totally asymmetrical hand clasps, where her fingers are all interlaced, but unevenly and awkwardly, with extra fingers mashed together, etc. Then she lifted her little hands and spent a minute or two just crossing the first two fingers of her left hand, you know, in the "good luck" or the "I get to lie 'cause I'm crossing my fingers" kind of way. She kept doing it over and over like she was practicing her little finger coordination. It is fascinating and so sweet to watch her little hands and to witness all her new little discoveries.