So, I haven't been working for the last week and half. Basically, I made it through the 14th. All these women I work with kept saying that they worked up until the due date, when I said I was taking off the last two weeks of my pregnancy. It's weird. Should I feel like a weakling? No, I'm just better at resting! It's a skill - a talent, really.
Actually, last week I ended up doing a lot. A lot of little errands and things...but I could punctuate all these tasks with naps, so it was pretty nice. Now, in my second week off, I am finding that my motivation has waned. I really just want to lie down...sort of all day. I guess I should lap this up because I'm about to have my hands full.
In my lounging hours, I have been watching some very questionable TV. So, I go through long periods where I don't really watch much TV...and then when I tune back in, I am always fascinated by what I find. For instance, A&E seems to have become the network of severe psychological disorders in the last year or so. I mean, there's the show on hoarders, the one on OCD and the show Intervention about addicts. What I love is that there are marathons of these shows back to back. Isn't it too intense to watch 7 straight hours of people who are severely broken? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm as fascinated as the next voyeur, but, on paper, it seems weird to be like, "Let's show 24 hours of people who are profoundly and deeply struggling with simply being alive day to day."
I have been steering clear of the shows about babies and birth. I sort of want to watch, but I just feel all...antsy about when it's actually going to happen for me. I've started to realize I kind of don't even think it IS going to happen. It all seems so theoretical. Also, I am not sure I'll recognize early labor signs at all. I mean, I feel so many weird little pains and contractions now...I think I'll be in the thick of it before it clicks that it's all started.
I had quite an awful dream last week. I dreamed that I woke up to find that I had had the baby in my sleep. Now, those of you nervous about the pain of labor may think this was a good thing, but the dream was hideous. I woke up and the baby was all blue and cold - I realized that it could have been born hours before and was just alone and freezing to death. It was terrifying. Well, I hopped up and made Kiyomi fill the bathtub with warm water. I got in with the baby and she was okay...but I woke from this dream very unhappy.
In fact, in the last week, I've been having more thoughts that something will go wrong with the birth and the baby will not survive...or will be severely injured. It's so crazy because the baby is so close - only inches away from me - and yet it has quite a long journey to make it safely to the outside. Sometimes, I also think something might happen to me - like I'll have to have an emergency hysterectomy and will never be able to have another child...if we want one.
I'm finding that I remember all the stories and movies I've seen where something terrible like this happens. I saw this movie Everything Put Together with Radha Mitchell like ten years ago. The woman's baby dies...and it's a pretty psychologically intense depiction of this woman's break down. For years, I don't think this film crossed my mind...now, I keep seeing snippets of it in my head. Jesus. I can't believe how much I can remember. Crazy.
I guess this is normal. Apparently a lot of women have fleeting, anxious thoughts about what may go wrong. I've just had very few so far, so it's intense to have them now. I feel like...I don't know...the gods may not want me to be as happy as I am. I feel so lucky to be healthy, to have had a healthy pregnancy, to have a baby on the way, to have such a loving partner, and such wonderful, generous, kind friends and family. (I especially feel this after watching an episode or two of Hoarders or Intervention!) I mean...doesn't it anger the gods to see mortals happy?
And, what does this say about me that I think the powers of the universe want humans to be miserable? Hmmm.
I guess I should just enjoy it. Whatever "it" is...this week of calm...this time to relax...these blessed circumstances I've been born into...
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