What not to say to a pregnant woman...

So, my plan was to write once a week now that I'm so close to the due date...but, I guess that was foolish. What was a I thinking? Things seem to get more and more busy the closer we get! I'm four weeks out! How DID that happen? (Also, I only have 13 days of work left...not that I'm counting the days, nay hours until I'm done with this particular group of little 8th grade miscreants. Actually, they're totally fine...but I guess I am just DONE.)

I've entered what I feel is the red-zone...basically, it's starting to feel like I could go at any moment. Not that I think I'm going to be early - I predict that I will be at least a couple days past my due date. However, now that I'm close, it's occurred to me (maybe I'm a little slow?) that lots of women go into labor in their 38th or 39th week. Who's to say I won't be one of them? I've been so sure I'll be late (most people are with their first) that it's sort of a shock to think I really am term NEXT WEEK and could deliver at any point after that.

Shit. That's my first thought about that. We need to pack the bag for the birth center...I need to put my guided relaxation stuff on my ipod...and...other things? Maybe clean up this house...and keep it perfectly in order until the delivery? That's a bit far-fetched, I suppose. Still, there is work to be done!

I think this is seeping into my dreams a bit. I haven't really had many pregnancy, childbirth or baby related dreams. However, last night I had a dream in which I went in for a check up. At the last real, non-dream check up I had, the midwife guesstimated that the baby was about 5 1/2 pounds. Well, I told this to the midwife in my dream right before she felt my stomach to do a guess. She told me the baby was 10 pounds! Oh my god. I then had to have these other procedures done because I could tell they wanted to get that baby out. 10 pounds?

10 Pounds! That better not happen. Well, I guess I'd be sort of okay with it if it was a 10 pound baby with a still small-enough head. And shoulders. Okay, never mind. I'm not okay with it. Let's have a more reasonable-sized baby.

The more disturbing thing happened after I woke up. I got a call from the birth center - on a Saturday morning that can't be good. I did my fun fun group beta strep test on Wednesday. (I call it the orifice test because you have to stick a long q-tip just a little way into your va-jay then your bung hole. Awesome! FYI, it is NOT easy to to do this yourself when you are almost full term. Especially the reach around and insertion into the back. I almost went and got Kiyomi mid test because it was proving quite difficult. I should have just brought her in from the start...I guess I hadn't really pictured how challenging it might be.) At any rate, when the midwife from the birth center called this morning, I thought they'd discovered something really frightening from my test. Not only was I GBS positive but that I had some disturbing infection or they could tell something was wrong with the baby...from my vagina/asshole test? It doesn't really make sense, but why else could they be calling?

As it turns out, the midwife was calling to tell me the labs I'd done and turned in Friday had some slightly problematic results and that I needed to come in for a non-stress test to the hospital. She mentioned uric acid and my amniotic fluid level...but that the pressure was still normal. She was super-calm and nice, which I appreciated but...I was having a hard time understanding how my little orifice probe test would tell me anything about my amniotic fluid levels or pressure. So, I had to interrupt and kindly ask, what labs??? Oh, of course! The blood work and 24 hour urine collection labs...I never did.

Woops. I really like all the midwives at the birth center, but the front desk people are...infuriating. They apparently mis-labeled or mis-filed the labs from this week. The midwife was obviously floored a bit too when I told her I hadn't had blood or urine labs this week. She asked me several times if I was sure I hadn't had any of this done this week. Finally, she said, "Well, let's start here. Are you actually pregnant?"

The weird thing was, once I got off the phone, some part of me was worrying that this COULD somehow be about me, that these could be my labs, and I could need to do a non-stress test. That is perfectly illogical (did I do a urine collection and blood draw in my sleep?)...but to some irrational part of me it made sense. After all, she did call ME and MY name was on the labs. I hope they sort that out! (What a disaster! I guess there was a different phone number on the labs, though. She just looked mine up in the database with my name, I guess. I hope that other phone number was right!)

There certainly is a level of suggestibility when you're pregnant. I don't even feel that susceptible to it - I mean, I haven't really been too worried about much this pregnancy. But I do sort of wish people would be a little more thoughtful in what they say sometimes.

In our hypnobirthing class, we got buttons that say, "Only positive birth stories, please. My baby is listening." And there is some need for this, I suppose. I have had a few people tell me slightly traumatic birth stories...but, actually, not so many. In this vein, though, I have had a number of my friends/acquaintances who haven't ever given birth cringe repeatedly when labor is mentioned. I don't even mean discussed in detail - maybe a slight mention of contractions or dilation or tearing.

I don't really like the cringe response so much. I guess I'm weirdly excited about giving birth...and strangely not that concerned about things like tearing. I just figure, it's going to be hard, intense, and I might tear...but I just figure, I'll do what I can to relax and have a positive birth experience...and the rest is out of my control. Plus, I have this deep, really primal certainty that it will also be amazing. I mean, every time I see that moment in a birth video when the baby is put onto the mom's stomach, I pretty much start sobbing. It's beyond magical. It's fucking amazing.

These reactions - the fear, the cringe - I understand, though. There's a lot of fear around birthing...plus it IS crazy and intense. The inappropriate, unhelpful comments that I've found to be more troubling have come from a couple of my co-workers. For starters, I should say that I'm not that concerned about my weight gain or people saying, "You're huge!" It doesn't really bother me. But, when one of the counselors at our school came up behind me and said, "You should really see yourself from behind." I was...well, horrified. What the fuck does that even mean? And, is that ever an appropriate thing to say to an acquaintance? A couple days later, the school psychologist said, "You've gotten wide." Again, what the fuck does that mean?

I get the "huge" comments. I mean, it's a little insensitive, but these comments (from our counseling and psychology departments no less) are troubling because...there's no socially appropriate response. I basically just said, "Ohhhennnngh." To both of these women. I mean, when someone says something that is blatantly rude...what ARE you supposed to say back? This really brought home the fact that, in a way, it's not even the insensitivity of the comments that makes these situations uncomfortable...it's the fact that you've suddenly found yourself thrust into the universe OUTSIDE normal acceptable social decorum.

Most of my friends that I've related this little story to seem to think I should have said something along the lines of, "Oh, you've gotten wide, too!" with a big smile on my face. I suppose that is the "teach-you-a-lesson" sort of direction. What I discovered about myself, though, is that all I wanted was to get back to the recognizable land of polite and thoughtful small talk. But, when you're working with a conversational partner who is unpredictable, the way is not necessarily clear. Maybe the pregnant belly casts a spell of conversational inhibition on some people. Yikes. I sure hope I haven't made these types of comments in the past!