Who's That Girl?

So, these ultrasound pics are from a while ago. Woops, me. The top one is a side (profile) view of the baby's head and torso. Those two light blobs above the body are hands. While they were doing this, the ultrasound technician was trying to get the baby's face - they like to see it because it gives an idea of brain development, I guess. Anyway, the baby would not turn her head so that the face could be seen, so the technician kept jabbing away at my stomach...finally, she got it. And, she gave me a copy. I know it's important for them to see the crazy skull face (down below) but I would have taken one of the other cool ones of the whole body and spine...I'm not sure why she chose to give us the devil baby pic...but here it is. Say HELLo, Rosemary's Baby.



Several of our friends with kids have said that when they look back at the ultrasound after the baby is born, the ultrasound looks like their child. That is crazy to me...but I wonder what it will be like when I can actually see our little belly dweller...maybe these grainy blobs will really look like something...or, rather, SOMEONE then. Funny.

Jenny has also encouraged me to record any thoughts I have on the baby now...to compare it to who she actually is when she comes out and her little personality is not veiled by many layers of flesh and fluid.

I'm not sure that I have any strong ideas about who she is. She doesn't kick a lot. She does more rolling and pressing movements than kicks and jabs. I suppose there is still time for her to become a big kicker, but so far she's not. The first midwife who listened to her heart beat said she was "shy" because she kept scootching away from the doppler...and they ultrasound tech made a comment about how she was constantly hiding her face. Maybe she will be shy? I don't know...that seems so weird and kind of negative to be projecting these things on to a little person I haven't met.

Kiyomi, on the other hand, has no reservations about making her guesses. She thinks that the baby seems pretty mellow and mischievous...or, she says, at least very clever. She also says she has short brown hair and olive skin.

I know that she moves pretty regularly, but not really violently - like kicks. She seems to move when my blood sugar is a little low...and also sometimes I can get her to move if I talk or sing, especially if I've been quiet for a while. If I'm moving around a lot, she stays more still...and at night she is often doing little twitching movements or rolling about...or having hiccups. She's been having these a lot lately. Last night she was hiccuping for quite a while at about 3:30 AM. It's an odd twitching sensation in my lower stomach...what any of this means personality or temperament-wise, I have no idea!

Yet, I do have this kind of...wordless idea of who she is. And she is very dear and somehow close to me already, though I can't really explain it...or describe any idea of who she is or will be... It's a very amazing and not always easily representable experience! I haven't even really had any dreams about her...except the very similar little girl (3 or 4 year old) that Kiyomi and I both had in our dreams many months ago, before we knew it was a girl. So...I'm just going to have to wait and see if anything else comes to me...and, soon, I suppose I'll just be meeting her in person.

Expectant

"You didn't have to keep it,
wouldn't put you through it
you could have swept it from your life
but you just wouldn't do it...
Oh, you're having my baby..."

So, a number of years ago we saw this hilarious spoof of the above completely ridiculous Paul Anka song (yes, he's Canadian; we CAN blame Canada for this one) by this trio of female comics. It was hilarious...and, so, Kiyomi has been singing this song to me since I've been pregnant. The best part is, she doesn't really ever remember lyrics, so she sings things like, "I wouldn't make you have it, you could have aborted it and swept it under your feet but you want to have my baby...You're having my baby. What a wonderful way to love me love me, baby." Nice.

I'm not allowed to "correct" her either. So, I can't sing it the right way too close to the time she sings her rendition...which, is harder than you might imagine. When someone sings such a ridiculous song, you just want to join in. Well, I do anyway. Unfortunately, what this all boils down to is that I often have this terrible song stuck in my head.

The reality is, pregnancy and childbirth really don't provide the grounds for the best music in the world. I guess "Papa Don't Preach" is fun...ish, but it's just a hard topic to make not extremely cheesy...or sort of depressing, in the event of an unwanted pregnancy. I guess there is some Celine Dion song about it. Yikes. Another Canadian disaster.

Fortunately, I guess this doesn't really require a soundtrack, though I am supposed to be picking relaxing music for the birth. Who knows if I'll even care at the time. What do I pick? Something new agey? How about some gangsta rap? That might amuse the midwives.

It is fun to think about the baby as an actual little person liking music. Our friend's 10 month old spontaneously erupts in this cute and silly little dancy movement when song she likes come on. It's so fascinating that they have preferences so early - taste for certain sounds and rhythms.

Kiyomi is wary of my getting the baby to like music too much (can you like music too much???) because she doesn't want it to get in the way of her being an athlete. She likes to ask the baby through my tummy what kind of sport she wants to play. She takes any kicks or movements as sure signs the child wants to, say, be a soccer star, or take up tennis early. I like to ask Kiyomi what she plans to do if our child is, well, really not gifted in this way. She completely dismisses this possibility. This will be interesting.

For me, I have recently been having strong bouts of concern that the child will just not be healthy, etc. I think that's all I can focus on now. No major deformities please! But, if I'm really honest with myself, I think it would be hard if my child wasn't bright and inquisitive...if she didn't develop, for instance, a love of reading and learning about the world. I mean, I feel like that will pretty naturally happen with us as her parents...but who knows? They are their own little beings.

I suppose parenting is all about loosening up your expectations and really trying to focus on how to raise a child that can find contentment, connection and meaning in their lives. Even if they do it in a way you wouldn't do it. That sounds hard. I mean, "pregnant" means expectant...it's hard to let go of expectations and sort of counter to what pretty much everybody does. Well, maybe we'll be lucky and she'll be a naturally gifted pianist soccer playing kind-hearted future MacArthur-winning genius.

But no pressure, little baby.

Recreational Pain

So, we are in the final countdown. (Duh-nuh nuuuuuuh nuh Duh nuh nuh nuh nuuuuuuuuuh - that's Europe's "Final Countdown"...obviuosly.) We're under ten weeks until...when the baby may or may not arrive. I mean, who knows really...it could be a week after that. I've been talking to the baby, though, informing her she can't really be too late...otherwise we have to have the baby in the hospital. Who wants that?

She has these insanely active periods. In fact, I remember reading some stray phrase in a pregnancy book about being concerned when the baby is making "frantic" movements as it can be a sign of distress. Well, I, of course, think of that at 2 in the morning when it feels like she's having a seizure in my stomach. It's pretty wild. Or, like she's an overzealous drummer really banging out a major drum solo. I assume these aren't "frantic" just normal as they subside eventually to more subdued movements. What the hell does that mean anyway? Frantic movements. That's really hard to assess through layers of amniotic fluid, placenta, abdominal muscle and flesh! What am I supposed to do with that information anyway?

There certainly is something to knowing too much. I was randomly reading the list of "benefits" of having an elective c-section (wtf??). Anyway, the book includes a list of traumas related to the actual birth events. During the day, I was loudly decrying this list of benefits and scoffing at it. But, at 2 in the morning I was thinking, "Jesus, what if something happens to the baby during labor! What if she ends up with cerebral palsy! What is something horrible happens just because of birth!!!!"

Middle of the night freak outs aside, there is still no way I would ELECT to have...well, any surgery. I mean, that phrase itself is sort of horrifying. "Elective surgery." Like, "recreational surgery." Sign me up! Just to be fair, it's one thing if, for health reasons, you need to schedule a c-section. That's totally different - and better than risking it with your health issue and then having to have an emergency c-section. I respect that decision. It's just, that's a tiny fraction of the c-sections out there. I just don't get doing it to...I don't know...save your vagine (vah-zheeen) from stretching...or I don't know, whatever other reason people have. It can't really be avoidance of pain because recovery from a c-section SUCKS and is supposedly more painful than recovering from vaginal delivery.

But, my compassionate side (sometimes only the size of the Grinch's heart apparently) says, "okay, people may be really anxious about birth...and thinking it's more convenient to schedule things, etc." I still think it's unrealistic and not the best option, but I know that we are all on different paths...



The baby seems to have a wily little sense of humor. Whenever she's moving and I try to get someone else to feel it, she stops. Immediately. Really - without fail. She could be having a drum solo episode and - when Kiyomi comes scurrying over to feel it - she stops. Devilish.

I'm very excited to meet her...and feel both that the time is going S L O W L Y and disturbingly fast. (I think it depends if we're in the middle of a 2 AM anxiety moment.) Yesterday, one of our friends said that having a baby is amazing and wonderful...but that it doesn't, as people claim, change your life, it pretty much ends your life as you knew it, leaving something ENTIRELY different in it's wake. This really echoes what a number of folks have said, which seems scary. But, it's so alien that I don't even feel fear or apprehension...just...curiosity. It's so bizarre to face something like that - something so immense and unknowable.

Well, it will certainly be an adventure.

Really, Actually Pregnant

It seems a little more real now that I'm actually pregnant - it is the 7th month. I suppose this shouldn't really be a shock, but somehow it is surprising...or maybe it's just more believable that I am actually hosting a little living creature in my belly. Crazy. The kicking is amazing, definitely the detail that makes this seem so much more real. Kiyomi also felt the kicking pretty early - I think the week following the first time I was sure the odd little twitches in my belly were movement. Now, sometimes I see the baby moving around, too...which is a little like giant worms moving under my skin. It's a disturbing comparison, but it's the most apt I can think of. There is something a little Aliens about the whole thing; let's just be honest.

So, this last month I got a cold and discovered that a cold without any kind of medication really, really, really sucks. I had the most intense sinus pain - I couldn't sleep and was reduced to tears at about 3 in the morning for a couple nights in a row. Then, I called the birth center and asked if I really truly couldn't take anything. They immediately said that I could take regular antihistamines and decongestants. I'm not even a big medicator when it comes to being sick...but taking a couple decongestants does actually make a difference.

Thankfully, the cold has waned...and simply left a slight excess of mucus behind. And who knows, maybe that's just from being pregnant...because apparently being pregnant can cause just about anything. The last few weeks it's been a bit of back pain - and ass pain. I guess my ligaments and tendons are already hypermobile...so now they're sort of like sillypuddy...my tailbone is flipping and flopping back and forth like one of those freaky mudfish before they really get hopping. You know, just wiggling in the pudding-like mire. Anyway, that's how I picture my tailbone. And it hurts a bit.

Also, lots of heartburn lately. Wow, I am really hoping this goes away again after I give birth. Heartburn is really stupid. I chew gum constantly - it seems to help lessen the burning reflux feeling. So, I'm chomping away like a cow - driving Kiyomi crazy - and making my students look askance at me. "You're not supposed to chew gum, Ms. Adcock."

"Yeah, talk to me when your stomach now has a walnut sized space in which to digest...and what feels like a gallon of stomach acid."

I don't even tell THEM not to chew gum. What's with their crazy rule-enforcing ways?

A few of my students will rush to my defense in times like this. "She's got a baby in her belly, you should just shut up." That was my favorite. I'm not sure of the logic of this statement, but I wasn't opposed to the suggestion. The student being hushed really ought to shut up a bit more. I mean, out of 55 minutes, he talks for about 53... I keep thinking, does anyone talk to this child at home?

I also have a student who won't let me pick up the little books (just regular novels) we're reading. He says, "Don't strain yourself. Let me do it." And it's four little paperbacks. Interesting. Actually, sometimes mildly annoying, but I know he means well.

I willingly let them pick things up off the floor for me, though. I seem to drop more things now than ever, and I don't even attempt to pick them up. I just wait for a student to hop up and get them. Getting down and up is laughable now. I mean, I squat when I have to...but sometimes I just don't want to lose that much elevation.

I have Kiyomi picking up dropped items at home. I find it to be amusing. I sort of want to drop things on purpose. This isn't her favorite thing. However, she has been laughing at my attempts to see the upper part of my thighs - I was adjusting my pants without a mirror. She finds it to be hysterical and tries to trick me into attempting a look at my lower stomach or upper thighs. "Oh, you have a spot right there." I bend and strain to see what she's talking about and she laughs. I think there's some karmic punishment in store for her...and maybe that punishment involves picking up the trail of dropped objects I leave in my wake? I just hope it's not a totally non-sleeping infant because then I will suffer just as much.



I really can't wait to see a foot or a hand. (This is a CRAZY photo, yeah? I can't even imagine how they managed to catch this.) I really can't discern the different parts of the baby yet, but I am excited to feel the difference between a head and a butt, you know? (It's a pretty important distinction to make in general, I suppose.)

Now that she moves so much more, it's easier to talk to her...and I feel moments of impatience to meet her. Though, I really want her to cook a bit more. At this stage (week 25) she really does look like a little human. Her proportions are getting more baby-like and less freaky-fetus-like. I wonder if she'll have hair at birth? How amazing that she is actually a tiny little person.

Little Kicks

We had our ultrasound on Monday. It's a GIRL!!!!!!!!! So, everyone who had a strong opinion on the topic was wrong. I am amused, to say the least. I thought it was a boy, too. It was strangely gratifying to be wrong...and surprised...and for everyone else to be wrong, too. Fun! I'm not sure what that says about me...

So, last week - about the 6th or 7th of January - I became certain that the strange little jabs were definitely baby kicks and punches...rather than gas or other less interesting digestive movements. I never had those "fluttery" feelings that everyone describes as the first perceptible baby movements...or maybe this IS what they describe. It feels more like tiny little kicks. Also, maybe there were fluttery feelings a little earlier...but I was too dense to realize they were baby action in my belly?

It turns out that the baby is head down right now and most of the "kicks" are actually punches. It's an amusing feeling at this point - especially when she punches me repeatedly in the ovary. Funny. I imagine it will be a little more shocking when there is more force behind the punches! Right now, in the middle of week 21, the baby is only about 12 ounces and probably about 10 inches. Tiny!!! So there's not a huge amount of heft and strength behind the little jabs at this point.

I actually FEEL pregnant now that I can feel her move in my belly...and I've seen her freaky sci-fi self on ultrasound. She kept her face down most of the time during the ultrasound, and the technician kept jiggling and jabbing my belly with the ultrasound paddle to get her move. It made me laugh a little because...it seemed sort of weird for this woman to be harassing the baby so intently. Odd. I will be posting those pics very soon...

I feel...really attached to her - the baby. It's crazy how that happens. Well, I suppose it's not "crazy" as much as hormonal...chemical...and pretty natural to the whole process. It's just nice because, for a long time, the idea of there being a person inside me was completely abstract and totally impossible to believe on some level. Now it's no longer so implausible...it's just wild...and very, I don't know, sweet.

My students - FINALLY! - got up the nerve to ask me if I was pregnant. I have been waiting to see when they would be willing to do it. Other adults at the school have told me that a number of students have been asking them if I was pregnant for a while. Cute. Anyway, one little boy in my 5th period class actually - very politlely and almost apologetically - asked me if I was pregnant in front of the class. I said, "yes" and told him that I would give him 10 extra credit points for being brave enough to ask. The class exploded with, "I knew too...everyone said it was rude to ask..."

There is a group of African American girls that are probably the most enthusiastic. One of these girls, after I told the class, said, "You made my day, Ms. Adcock. I was in a bad mood before, but now I'm just happy." What a sweetie. Since then, other students - sheepishly - have been coming up to congratulate me. It's very adorable. Although one boy said, "Are you going to be crazy now?" At first I didn't know what he was talking about because this was a different class and we weren't talking about me being pregnant. I said, "What?" And he mumbled something about how I was pregnant. I reminded him that I have, in fact, been pregnant basically the entire school year. So, I'd probably continue being the same level of "crazy." Mmmm, what a charmer he is. (I'm not particularly fond of this child anyway.)

So, now is it "Cleetus"? Or Cleetissa??? Or Cliona??

Happy New Year's Belly

These (above) are me around Thanksgiving...a little more rotund, but not a lot lot lot. Here's a couple (below) from me this week. Bigger and bigger grows the belly. (And the boobs.)

I don't think I really look as pregnant as I appear in the second one below...I don't know...I look sort of hugely pregnant in this picture, which is pretty exciting...I just don't know if I always look quite this big in real, daily life.

Holidaze

So, I am a terribly irresponsible correspondent it seems. I have only one excuse. The holidays. Oh, and they whole end of semester grading and finishing of teacherly duties. So, obviously it's not my fault.

Now I will tell you the real reason I haven't written - I have taken some pics of myself looking a bit fatter about the middle and have been too busy (read: lazy and disorganized with my time) to upload them to post them here...so, as a result, I have just NOT posted. I really want to post the pictures, but I don't want to upload them... I mean, it would probably take a whole 2 minutes to be done with it.

So, in the last month, I have definitely gotten a bit more popped out at the center...and my queasiness is subsiding. Though, I still have a sensitive (FUN!) gag reflex. I think pretty consistent heartburn might be taking the place of nausea. Cool.

Also in pregnancy related news, I had crazy chest pain (right under my left clavicle) that woke me up in the middle of the night...and started radiating down my left arm. It was quite painful, and the midwife on call at the birth center told me, without asking any questions, that I should go immediately to the ER. Yay, the ER early early early on Christmas Eve morning. Well, about six hours, one EKG, one chest X-ray and multiple fits of uncomfortable sleep later, I was sure I wasn't having a heart attack, I didn't have pneumonia, a collapsed lung, or fluid in my lungs...and I was pretty certain I didn't have a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in the lung) - but the doctor told me to report back to the ER STAT if I felt more pain and shortness of breath. At which time they would do a CT scan and, if they found a clot, they'd put me on a lovely, prenatally fun blood thinner. However, all you with bated breath, the pain decreased (except for heartburn) and I am breathing normally! No clot, I'd say!

Other than that, I have been very well...minus a little crazy gluteal pain...and very much NOT looking forward to going back to work!

(You'll notice no pics yet. That was the deal I had to make with myself to get me to post anything. Oh, the pressure!)