Mother's Day

(Me at the computer!)

The other day Kiyomi was visiting with her colleague and friend Pam. (And by "visiting," I mean making Pam get all weepy talking about the baby coming). Anyway, after the last tears were shed, Kiyomi was leaving her office when Pam shouted down the hall to Kiyomi, "Let me know when Margaret starts labor." Two other women (strangers) were near Kiyomi and smiled and asked if Kiyomi was expecting. She replied that her partner was expecting. Then, one of them said, "So, you're going to be a.........parent," finally finishing. The moment was a bit awkward, but they both then congratulated Kiyomi after she said, "Yes, I'm going to be a mother." Amusing.

Well, we're not quite in time for this Mother's Day - which is fine, baby, stay in there! - but today I am officially full term! That's 37 weeks for those folks who haven't been reading What to Expect when You're Expecting closely for the last year or so. So, now were are free and clear to deliver at the Birth Center should I go into labor. That's a relief...though, I still believe she will come a little late. I hope to make it at least through the 19th - my last day of work!!! But, these things aren't really up to me!

I am a bit tired of being pregnant. It's just an occasional thought - sort of creeping up on me. I'll think, "Oh soon I won't have to pee 4 times at night..." or "I won't have this stuffed and suffocated feeling after I eat shortly!" Really, I haven't been miserable, but some days are hard. I don't feel huge when I look down at my stomach, but, gods, moving is harder! And my pubic symphysis is in full revolt at this point. When I turn from side to side in bed, I'm forced to grunt and moan as a claw my way over because my whole pelvic region is behaving as if it has just seceded from the union and no longer really needs to heed the direction of my northern half. And, once I've yowled my way over to the opposite side, I usually have to pee. Getting out of bed is also a grunting and creaky affair...so, I find myself longing for a catheter...or even a bed pan at these moments. For some reason, I am much more sore at night - maybe it's all the lying still? But, fortunately, I really am still feeling pretty alright most of the time!

Despite feeling okay, it's so hard to get much done...and, the reality is, I will be able to do even less in a few weeks with a little constantly eating, and pooping infant. So, I'm trying to just let the house get filthy and learn to live with it. I mean, I can barely clean now...and I won't be cleaning much soon...so, my recent thought has been just to immerse myself in clutter and untidiness as a preparation. We'll see how that goes! In fact, right now, I should clean the bathroom and finish the laundry...but I might just go have a nap!

Self-Timed Pictures at the Botanical Garden

What not to say to a pregnant woman...

So, my plan was to write once a week now that I'm so close to the due date...but, I guess that was foolish. What was a I thinking? Things seem to get more and more busy the closer we get! I'm four weeks out! How DID that happen? (Also, I only have 13 days of work left...not that I'm counting the days, nay hours until I'm done with this particular group of little 8th grade miscreants. Actually, they're totally fine...but I guess I am just DONE.)

I've entered what I feel is the red-zone...basically, it's starting to feel like I could go at any moment. Not that I think I'm going to be early - I predict that I will be at least a couple days past my due date. However, now that I'm close, it's occurred to me (maybe I'm a little slow?) that lots of women go into labor in their 38th or 39th week. Who's to say I won't be one of them? I've been so sure I'll be late (most people are with their first) that it's sort of a shock to think I really am term NEXT WEEK and could deliver at any point after that.

Shit. That's my first thought about that. We need to pack the bag for the birth center...I need to put my guided relaxation stuff on my ipod...and...other things? Maybe clean up this house...and keep it perfectly in order until the delivery? That's a bit far-fetched, I suppose. Still, there is work to be done!

I think this is seeping into my dreams a bit. I haven't really had many pregnancy, childbirth or baby related dreams. However, last night I had a dream in which I went in for a check up. At the last real, non-dream check up I had, the midwife guesstimated that the baby was about 5 1/2 pounds. Well, I told this to the midwife in my dream right before she felt my stomach to do a guess. She told me the baby was 10 pounds! Oh my god. I then had to have these other procedures done because I could tell they wanted to get that baby out. 10 pounds?

10 Pounds! That better not happen. Well, I guess I'd be sort of okay with it if it was a 10 pound baby with a still small-enough head. And shoulders. Okay, never mind. I'm not okay with it. Let's have a more reasonable-sized baby.

The more disturbing thing happened after I woke up. I got a call from the birth center - on a Saturday morning that can't be good. I did my fun fun group beta strep test on Wednesday. (I call it the orifice test because you have to stick a long q-tip just a little way into your va-jay then your bung hole. Awesome! FYI, it is NOT easy to to do this yourself when you are almost full term. Especially the reach around and insertion into the back. I almost went and got Kiyomi mid test because it was proving quite difficult. I should have just brought her in from the start...I guess I hadn't really pictured how challenging it might be.) At any rate, when the midwife from the birth center called this morning, I thought they'd discovered something really frightening from my test. Not only was I GBS positive but that I had some disturbing infection or they could tell something was wrong with the baby...from my vagina/asshole test? It doesn't really make sense, but why else could they be calling?

As it turns out, the midwife was calling to tell me the labs I'd done and turned in Friday had some slightly problematic results and that I needed to come in for a non-stress test to the hospital. She mentioned uric acid and my amniotic fluid level...but that the pressure was still normal. She was super-calm and nice, which I appreciated but...I was having a hard time understanding how my little orifice probe test would tell me anything about my amniotic fluid levels or pressure. So, I had to interrupt and kindly ask, what labs??? Oh, of course! The blood work and 24 hour urine collection labs...I never did.

Woops. I really like all the midwives at the birth center, but the front desk people are...infuriating. They apparently mis-labeled or mis-filed the labs from this week. The midwife was obviously floored a bit too when I told her I hadn't had blood or urine labs this week. She asked me several times if I was sure I hadn't had any of this done this week. Finally, she said, "Well, let's start here. Are you actually pregnant?"

The weird thing was, once I got off the phone, some part of me was worrying that this COULD somehow be about me, that these could be my labs, and I could need to do a non-stress test. That is perfectly illogical (did I do a urine collection and blood draw in my sleep?)...but to some irrational part of me it made sense. After all, she did call ME and MY name was on the labs. I hope they sort that out! (What a disaster! I guess there was a different phone number on the labs, though. She just looked mine up in the database with my name, I guess. I hope that other phone number was right!)

There certainly is a level of suggestibility when you're pregnant. I don't even feel that susceptible to it - I mean, I haven't really been too worried about much this pregnancy. But I do sort of wish people would be a little more thoughtful in what they say sometimes.

In our hypnobirthing class, we got buttons that say, "Only positive birth stories, please. My baby is listening." And there is some need for this, I suppose. I have had a few people tell me slightly traumatic birth stories...but, actually, not so many. In this vein, though, I have had a number of my friends/acquaintances who haven't ever given birth cringe repeatedly when labor is mentioned. I don't even mean discussed in detail - maybe a slight mention of contractions or dilation or tearing.

I don't really like the cringe response so much. I guess I'm weirdly excited about giving birth...and strangely not that concerned about things like tearing. I just figure, it's going to be hard, intense, and I might tear...but I just figure, I'll do what I can to relax and have a positive birth experience...and the rest is out of my control. Plus, I have this deep, really primal certainty that it will also be amazing. I mean, every time I see that moment in a birth video when the baby is put onto the mom's stomach, I pretty much start sobbing. It's beyond magical. It's fucking amazing.

These reactions - the fear, the cringe - I understand, though. There's a lot of fear around birthing...plus it IS crazy and intense. The inappropriate, unhelpful comments that I've found to be more troubling have come from a couple of my co-workers. For starters, I should say that I'm not that concerned about my weight gain or people saying, "You're huge!" It doesn't really bother me. But, when one of the counselors at our school came up behind me and said, "You should really see yourself from behind." I was...well, horrified. What the fuck does that even mean? And, is that ever an appropriate thing to say to an acquaintance? A couple days later, the school psychologist said, "You've gotten wide." Again, what the fuck does that mean?

I get the "huge" comments. I mean, it's a little insensitive, but these comments (from our counseling and psychology departments no less) are troubling because...there's no socially appropriate response. I basically just said, "Ohhhennnngh." To both of these women. I mean, when someone says something that is blatantly rude...what ARE you supposed to say back? This really brought home the fact that, in a way, it's not even the insensitivity of the comments that makes these situations uncomfortable...it's the fact that you've suddenly found yourself thrust into the universe OUTSIDE normal acceptable social decorum.

Most of my friends that I've related this little story to seem to think I should have said something along the lines of, "Oh, you've gotten wide, too!" with a big smile on my face. I suppose that is the "teach-you-a-lesson" sort of direction. What I discovered about myself, though, is that all I wanted was to get back to the recognizable land of polite and thoughtful small talk. But, when you're working with a conversational partner who is unpredictable, the way is not necessarily clear. Maybe the pregnant belly casts a spell of conversational inhibition on some people. Yikes. I sure hope I haven't made these types of comments in the past!

Who's That Girl?

So, these ultrasound pics are from a while ago. Woops, me. The top one is a side (profile) view of the baby's head and torso. Those two light blobs above the body are hands. While they were doing this, the ultrasound technician was trying to get the baby's face - they like to see it because it gives an idea of brain development, I guess. Anyway, the baby would not turn her head so that the face could be seen, so the technician kept jabbing away at my stomach...finally, she got it. And, she gave me a copy. I know it's important for them to see the crazy skull face (down below) but I would have taken one of the other cool ones of the whole body and spine...I'm not sure why she chose to give us the devil baby pic...but here it is. Say HELLo, Rosemary's Baby.



Several of our friends with kids have said that when they look back at the ultrasound after the baby is born, the ultrasound looks like their child. That is crazy to me...but I wonder what it will be like when I can actually see our little belly dweller...maybe these grainy blobs will really look like something...or, rather, SOMEONE then. Funny.

Jenny has also encouraged me to record any thoughts I have on the baby now...to compare it to who she actually is when she comes out and her little personality is not veiled by many layers of flesh and fluid.

I'm not sure that I have any strong ideas about who she is. She doesn't kick a lot. She does more rolling and pressing movements than kicks and jabs. I suppose there is still time for her to become a big kicker, but so far she's not. The first midwife who listened to her heart beat said she was "shy" because she kept scootching away from the doppler...and they ultrasound tech made a comment about how she was constantly hiding her face. Maybe she will be shy? I don't know...that seems so weird and kind of negative to be projecting these things on to a little person I haven't met.

Kiyomi, on the other hand, has no reservations about making her guesses. She thinks that the baby seems pretty mellow and mischievous...or, she says, at least very clever. She also says she has short brown hair and olive skin.

I know that she moves pretty regularly, but not really violently - like kicks. She seems to move when my blood sugar is a little low...and also sometimes I can get her to move if I talk or sing, especially if I've been quiet for a while. If I'm moving around a lot, she stays more still...and at night she is often doing little twitching movements or rolling about...or having hiccups. She's been having these a lot lately. Last night she was hiccuping for quite a while at about 3:30 AM. It's an odd twitching sensation in my lower stomach...what any of this means personality or temperament-wise, I have no idea!

Yet, I do have this kind of...wordless idea of who she is. And she is very dear and somehow close to me already, though I can't really explain it...or describe any idea of who she is or will be... It's a very amazing and not always easily representable experience! I haven't even really had any dreams about her...except the very similar little girl (3 or 4 year old) that Kiyomi and I both had in our dreams many months ago, before we knew it was a girl. So...I'm just going to have to wait and see if anything else comes to me...and, soon, I suppose I'll just be meeting her in person.

Expectant

"You didn't have to keep it,
wouldn't put you through it
you could have swept it from your life
but you just wouldn't do it...
Oh, you're having my baby..."

So, a number of years ago we saw this hilarious spoof of the above completely ridiculous Paul Anka song (yes, he's Canadian; we CAN blame Canada for this one) by this trio of female comics. It was hilarious...and, so, Kiyomi has been singing this song to me since I've been pregnant. The best part is, she doesn't really ever remember lyrics, so she sings things like, "I wouldn't make you have it, you could have aborted it and swept it under your feet but you want to have my baby...You're having my baby. What a wonderful way to love me love me, baby." Nice.

I'm not allowed to "correct" her either. So, I can't sing it the right way too close to the time she sings her rendition...which, is harder than you might imagine. When someone sings such a ridiculous song, you just want to join in. Well, I do anyway. Unfortunately, what this all boils down to is that I often have this terrible song stuck in my head.

The reality is, pregnancy and childbirth really don't provide the grounds for the best music in the world. I guess "Papa Don't Preach" is fun...ish, but it's just a hard topic to make not extremely cheesy...or sort of depressing, in the event of an unwanted pregnancy. I guess there is some Celine Dion song about it. Yikes. Another Canadian disaster.

Fortunately, I guess this doesn't really require a soundtrack, though I am supposed to be picking relaxing music for the birth. Who knows if I'll even care at the time. What do I pick? Something new agey? How about some gangsta rap? That might amuse the midwives.

It is fun to think about the baby as an actual little person liking music. Our friend's 10 month old spontaneously erupts in this cute and silly little dancy movement when song she likes come on. It's so fascinating that they have preferences so early - taste for certain sounds and rhythms.

Kiyomi is wary of my getting the baby to like music too much (can you like music too much???) because she doesn't want it to get in the way of her being an athlete. She likes to ask the baby through my tummy what kind of sport she wants to play. She takes any kicks or movements as sure signs the child wants to, say, be a soccer star, or take up tennis early. I like to ask Kiyomi what she plans to do if our child is, well, really not gifted in this way. She completely dismisses this possibility. This will be interesting.

For me, I have recently been having strong bouts of concern that the child will just not be healthy, etc. I think that's all I can focus on now. No major deformities please! But, if I'm really honest with myself, I think it would be hard if my child wasn't bright and inquisitive...if she didn't develop, for instance, a love of reading and learning about the world. I mean, I feel like that will pretty naturally happen with us as her parents...but who knows? They are their own little beings.

I suppose parenting is all about loosening up your expectations and really trying to focus on how to raise a child that can find contentment, connection and meaning in their lives. Even if they do it in a way you wouldn't do it. That sounds hard. I mean, "pregnant" means expectant...it's hard to let go of expectations and sort of counter to what pretty much everybody does. Well, maybe we'll be lucky and she'll be a naturally gifted pianist soccer playing kind-hearted future MacArthur-winning genius.

But no pressure, little baby.

Recreational Pain

So, we are in the final countdown. (Duh-nuh nuuuuuuh nuh Duh nuh nuh nuh nuuuuuuuuuh - that's Europe's "Final Countdown"...obviuosly.) We're under ten weeks until...when the baby may or may not arrive. I mean, who knows really...it could be a week after that. I've been talking to the baby, though, informing her she can't really be too late...otherwise we have to have the baby in the hospital. Who wants that?

She has these insanely active periods. In fact, I remember reading some stray phrase in a pregnancy book about being concerned when the baby is making "frantic" movements as it can be a sign of distress. Well, I, of course, think of that at 2 in the morning when it feels like she's having a seizure in my stomach. It's pretty wild. Or, like she's an overzealous drummer really banging out a major drum solo. I assume these aren't "frantic" just normal as they subside eventually to more subdued movements. What the hell does that mean anyway? Frantic movements. That's really hard to assess through layers of amniotic fluid, placenta, abdominal muscle and flesh! What am I supposed to do with that information anyway?

There certainly is something to knowing too much. I was randomly reading the list of "benefits" of having an elective c-section (wtf??). Anyway, the book includes a list of traumas related to the actual birth events. During the day, I was loudly decrying this list of benefits and scoffing at it. But, at 2 in the morning I was thinking, "Jesus, what if something happens to the baby during labor! What if she ends up with cerebral palsy! What is something horrible happens just because of birth!!!!"

Middle of the night freak outs aside, there is still no way I would ELECT to have...well, any surgery. I mean, that phrase itself is sort of horrifying. "Elective surgery." Like, "recreational surgery." Sign me up! Just to be fair, it's one thing if, for health reasons, you need to schedule a c-section. That's totally different - and better than risking it with your health issue and then having to have an emergency c-section. I respect that decision. It's just, that's a tiny fraction of the c-sections out there. I just don't get doing it to...I don't know...save your vagine (vah-zheeen) from stretching...or I don't know, whatever other reason people have. It can't really be avoidance of pain because recovery from a c-section SUCKS and is supposedly more painful than recovering from vaginal delivery.

But, my compassionate side (sometimes only the size of the Grinch's heart apparently) says, "okay, people may be really anxious about birth...and thinking it's more convenient to schedule things, etc." I still think it's unrealistic and not the best option, but I know that we are all on different paths...



The baby seems to have a wily little sense of humor. Whenever she's moving and I try to get someone else to feel it, she stops. Immediately. Really - without fail. She could be having a drum solo episode and - when Kiyomi comes scurrying over to feel it - she stops. Devilish.

I'm very excited to meet her...and feel both that the time is going S L O W L Y and disturbingly fast. (I think it depends if we're in the middle of a 2 AM anxiety moment.) Yesterday, one of our friends said that having a baby is amazing and wonderful...but that it doesn't, as people claim, change your life, it pretty much ends your life as you knew it, leaving something ENTIRELY different in it's wake. This really echoes what a number of folks have said, which seems scary. But, it's so alien that I don't even feel fear or apprehension...just...curiosity. It's so bizarre to face something like that - something so immense and unknowable.

Well, it will certainly be an adventure.

Really, Actually Pregnant

It seems a little more real now that I'm actually pregnant - it is the 7th month. I suppose this shouldn't really be a shock, but somehow it is surprising...or maybe it's just more believable that I am actually hosting a little living creature in my belly. Crazy. The kicking is amazing, definitely the detail that makes this seem so much more real. Kiyomi also felt the kicking pretty early - I think the week following the first time I was sure the odd little twitches in my belly were movement. Now, sometimes I see the baby moving around, too...which is a little like giant worms moving under my skin. It's a disturbing comparison, but it's the most apt I can think of. There is something a little Aliens about the whole thing; let's just be honest.

So, this last month I got a cold and discovered that a cold without any kind of medication really, really, really sucks. I had the most intense sinus pain - I couldn't sleep and was reduced to tears at about 3 in the morning for a couple nights in a row. Then, I called the birth center and asked if I really truly couldn't take anything. They immediately said that I could take regular antihistamines and decongestants. I'm not even a big medicator when it comes to being sick...but taking a couple decongestants does actually make a difference.

Thankfully, the cold has waned...and simply left a slight excess of mucus behind. And who knows, maybe that's just from being pregnant...because apparently being pregnant can cause just about anything. The last few weeks it's been a bit of back pain - and ass pain. I guess my ligaments and tendons are already hypermobile...so now they're sort of like sillypuddy...my tailbone is flipping and flopping back and forth like one of those freaky mudfish before they really get hopping. You know, just wiggling in the pudding-like mire. Anyway, that's how I picture my tailbone. And it hurts a bit.

Also, lots of heartburn lately. Wow, I am really hoping this goes away again after I give birth. Heartburn is really stupid. I chew gum constantly - it seems to help lessen the burning reflux feeling. So, I'm chomping away like a cow - driving Kiyomi crazy - and making my students look askance at me. "You're not supposed to chew gum, Ms. Adcock."

"Yeah, talk to me when your stomach now has a walnut sized space in which to digest...and what feels like a gallon of stomach acid."

I don't even tell THEM not to chew gum. What's with their crazy rule-enforcing ways?

A few of my students will rush to my defense in times like this. "She's got a baby in her belly, you should just shut up." That was my favorite. I'm not sure of the logic of this statement, but I wasn't opposed to the suggestion. The student being hushed really ought to shut up a bit more. I mean, out of 55 minutes, he talks for about 53... I keep thinking, does anyone talk to this child at home?

I also have a student who won't let me pick up the little books (just regular novels) we're reading. He says, "Don't strain yourself. Let me do it." And it's four little paperbacks. Interesting. Actually, sometimes mildly annoying, but I know he means well.

I willingly let them pick things up off the floor for me, though. I seem to drop more things now than ever, and I don't even attempt to pick them up. I just wait for a student to hop up and get them. Getting down and up is laughable now. I mean, I squat when I have to...but sometimes I just don't want to lose that much elevation.

I have Kiyomi picking up dropped items at home. I find it to be amusing. I sort of want to drop things on purpose. This isn't her favorite thing. However, she has been laughing at my attempts to see the upper part of my thighs - I was adjusting my pants without a mirror. She finds it to be hysterical and tries to trick me into attempting a look at my lower stomach or upper thighs. "Oh, you have a spot right there." I bend and strain to see what she's talking about and she laughs. I think there's some karmic punishment in store for her...and maybe that punishment involves picking up the trail of dropped objects I leave in my wake? I just hope it's not a totally non-sleeping infant because then I will suffer just as much.



I really can't wait to see a foot or a hand. (This is a CRAZY photo, yeah? I can't even imagine how they managed to catch this.) I really can't discern the different parts of the baby yet, but I am excited to feel the difference between a head and a butt, you know? (It's a pretty important distinction to make in general, I suppose.)

Now that she moves so much more, it's easier to talk to her...and I feel moments of impatience to meet her. Though, I really want her to cook a bit more. At this stage (week 25) she really does look like a little human. Her proportions are getting more baby-like and less freaky-fetus-like. I wonder if she'll have hair at birth? How amazing that she is actually a tiny little person.