Cha Cha Changes

It's hard to decide what to say today – everything is all jumbled up in my head. First, I want to acknowledge that our wonderful friend and landlord, Jack Dicey, has passed away of cancer. He was a truly lovely human; he spent much of his life working with homeless folks and veterans. He was also just a funny guy who loved people and enjoyed life. It's hard to comprehend – a year ago he was, seemingly, fine. A little over a year ago, we visited him in the hospital after his last major surgery. Around this time, we told him that I was pregnant – and he told us that the doctors gave him a year or less to live. It was bizarre and sad to see him when I was pregnant. I was so antsy for the future – the birth, the infancy, the youth – of my child. Yet, the same short time that I had to wait through with eagerness and anticipation was certainly the final chapter of his life. It is so alarming, at times, how disparate our experiences are – even when they are happening concurrently. I very much regret that we didn't get to see him one last time – with Ila, would have been nice. Though, I know this grief is really for me – he is beyond any concern in the matter – I certainly would have liked to see him and say goodbye.

Perhaps this has a hand in my brain's apparent obsession with death and endings. I am still having nightmares almost nightly – usually including the death of someone I love or myself. To say, as a human, that I don't do well with change, is perhaps a cliché and not even worth expressing. But, it is true. And there is something truly dynamic about being with a child. While it is, in one way, the epitome of life to be with a little one who is discovering and growing every day, it is also to be constantly exposed to change, endings, even to death in some small, metaphorical sense. First, your notions of your own life must change and give way to others, then, every little stage of your child's life is so short.

In this vein, I wish, actually, that we had taken video earlier than we did. Ila is all about grabbing things now. She is not great with objects that are at an arm's reach away, but things that are held a little closer in, she generally successfully snatches up and brings them to her mouth. This means that I can basically hand her things now. This is so new and exciting! It's hard to remember when she wasn't even focused on objects, when she didn't gaze at you and smile, when she couldn't even bring her hands to her mouth, let alone things! It would be nice to have even just a little video from the very early weeks, just to see and remember what was, temporally, very recent and yet developmentally has completely been supplanted and erased.



As a result of being able to grab things, I think she is a bit easier to entertain...or to let her entertain herself even! We took a trip up to Flagstaff to see some of my family, and she was generally pretty happy in the car. I believe part of this is certainly related to the fact that she can suck on her own fingers or grab at her little pink pig and little bumble bee toys that hang in front of her in the car. Her sleep has been a little funny, though. She's woken up a couple times 2 or 3 times at night instead of her customary one. This too is all about change. I try not to get used or, or count on, her sleeping a certain amount or set of hours at night...yet, it is inevitable. Perhaps it is a growth spurt – perhaps even the monumental task of really being able to reach out and grab things is taxing her little system. Whatever is altering her sleep patterns, it is a lesson, once again, in how temporary and shifting everything is. I'm just not so fond of learning this lesson at midnight and then again at 2:30.