You can't always get what you want...

But, it sure is NICE to get what you want. Okay, fine, I'll concede that some of the richest, most valuable experiences come out of times when you don't get what you want...but that's "rich" and "valuable" as in "Oh, wow, I CAN feel joy in the midst of all this deep emotional turmoil, in the mire of my own fear and pain!" Let's just say that's not the same kind of "fun" as "I want a pony" and - bam - you get a pony.

It's not that I believe in destiny or fate, that there are certain lessons I am supposed to learn in my life. I guess I've just finally started to accept that everything that happens can be useful, can be something that enriches my life. I don't mean to say that in practice I actually accept these "lessons" with grace. Sometimes, more than anything, I want to throw myself to the floor, beat my fists and feet against the ground, and shriek about how everything is so unfair.

Ha ha. I wish I were joking.

Yet...yet...I guess I do feel...thankful for the year of trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant. (That's probably only possible to say because I am now, in fact, pregnant.) I feel that through this my...perspective, my life, really shifted. There are many concepts I understood intellectually before but really only realized with my actual heart, my actual deep unspeaking, feeling self, going through the pain, disappointment and fear of this experience. In a word, I suppose this lesson is "submission" or "acceptance" to the fact that there are many, many, many, many things we do not control.

Now, to clarify, I didn't and don't feel "baby crazy." (Whatever that belittling expression means.) I like kids and know definitively I want children, but it wasn't that every month I didn't get pregnant I was like, "Oh, god, no baby!!! How can I be complete without children?!" It was deeper, scarier than that. It was like, "Okay, I have made this major decision about how I want my life to go, about what I really want to experience. I am willing to take these particular risks, even if they are daunting and I know it will forever change me to do this."...And then, that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what you want, what you hope for, what you're willing to risk. None of it...because you have absolutely zero control and, in these black moments, you realize that a lot of life is like this - outside your control. That, in fact, the deepest, most important things in life are outside your control.

This is probably mainly because the most important aspects of life involve hope, love, and people. People are complicated and inconvenient. Hope is terrifying and love never looks like what you hoped for. Don't get me wrong, life is empty, stupid, and pointless without these things...it's just...they are unwieldy, and truly connecting - really hoping, really loving - is risky and offers no certain outcome.

Therefore, saying, "I'm ready to have kids, to do this crazy, terrifying thing"...and then to realize my will has little to do with anything, was an experience that brought up a lot outside of the specifics of having a baby for me. When you stand, tiny and ridiculous, in the dark, gaping vastness of the universe and say, "I want this," you realize how little you are, how insignificant your desire is in the larger play of forces, that there is no guarantee of anything. Ever. And this experience feels like it will break you, that simply knowing how enormous, unknowable and utterly uncontrollable life is will surely ruin you. Realizing that if happiness doesn't look like what you expected, you are not sure you will recognize it.

So, in the last year, I've really come to believe happiness in life has a lot to do with how we deal with all those things we do NOT control, maybe it's even more important than all those things we do plan, decide, act on, make happen. I think I might have thought this before, but it was only - trying to - let go and move through my sadness, my fear, really opening to it, without resisting that I...I don't know...actually truly realized this.



I feel like some religious convert, but one who doesn't believe in god or fate or even some driving force like karma. I believe instead in simply trusting my experience...and, I guess, the good sense of my future self. I mean, I will deal with what is happening now...and I'll trust the future me to deal with whatever happens later. Maybe this sounds lame or simple...but it is hard for me...but also really freeing. To confuse my supposedly non-religious take on this, it's like that gospel song about laying your burden down at Jesus's feet...only I've taken Jesus out of the scenario. I say, ditch the burden...at whoever's feet you want. I mean, if Jesus works for you, great. But maybe you can just set it down in some random place - in the woods, on a street corner.

I just know this: I do not want to live my life trying to fix, to control, to manage, to force my life to adhere to some rigid vision I have...and to be disappointed when it doesn't. It's exhausting and there's no time to enjoy the good things that actually happen that way. I don't want to live my life like I'm trying to outrun some fear or some sense of my own mediocrity. I don't want to live my life like I'm trying to prove something. I'd rather just turn around and face those awful, soul-sucking thoughts, I wish I'd finished a book. I wish I were thinner, taller, stronger. I wish I'd moved to that place...etc. etc. etc. I'd rather just see these things, really let myself feel that terror, that insecurity, than be driven by it.

I don't know exactly how you let those things go, I just know you can. I just know that acceptance is giving up any expectation that this moment will be different than what it is. That you let go of your expectations over and over and over. And that that's really the only way to be truly happy. Some things in life are just hard and shitty. Wishing they weren't or trying to fix them...just doesn't really work. That's all.

Anyway, I can say I'm glad I had this experience and, yes, it's probably partly because I did finally get what I wanted. And it IS nice to get what you want. I know I feel deeply happy...and peaceful? Certainly things working out makes me happy, but I think it's bigger than that. I feel such...relief to realize I am not going to break, that sadness, disappointment, loss of control will not destroy me, render me unhappy. That whatever happens - this is it - my life...and it's all I have.