Fear and Barfing

So, the best reason for keeping your pregnancy a secret as long as possible is the horrifying shit people tell you...in an effort to be helpful, I guess. Even some of my closest friends who know better have been hosing me down with fear. Last weekend at a dinner with friends, the conversation turned to swine flu. I was considering NOT getting the vaccination...because it's kind of scary to inject mysterious things into your body when you are growing a hopefully non-mutant little human in your belly. I mean, I would even consider getting it...but it's not even available at this point. I've got a whole month of potential swine flu expose that I can do absolutely NOTHING about...why work me up about this?

So, I've gotten to work with fear this weekend. Fun. I've made all my students (yes, I work with little walking disease vectors everyday) cough into their hands, wash hands, sanitize hands, etc. I'm prone to anxiety but not usually fear. Well, I guess I could consider this a great opportunity to work through fear. Weeee. I've been wracked with visions of me having the flu and then a horribly unhealthy, deformed baby. Or having to choose to terminate the pregnancy because I am almost dying. Yay.

I really wanted to enjoy this pregnancy. I am reminding myself that enjoying an experience doesn't mean it conforms to some previous notion of what I want the experience to be...it means accepting and finding ways to learn from/enjoy the actual experience I am having. Still. Fear? Ugh, it's awful.

On a less psychological note, I am definitely dragging a little. I'm not super exhausted, but I feel much more tired than usual in the mornings and afternoons than I normally do. Also, I have definite feelings of queasiness. Not intense, just something vaguely uneasy and unsettled about my stomach, especially after I eat. I guess this goes hand in hand with not really having much of an appetite...nothing sounds really appealing, except particular odd things. The last two nights I've really wanted a hot dog.

We'll see.