A Puke-er and Cry-er

My acupuncturist mentioned about year before I was pregnant that she thought I would be a “puke-er and cry-er” when I was pregnant. My mother experienced some nausea, but didn’t really throw up. I was incredulous. As one who does not like like to be told what to do in any form, I obviously wanted to disprove her.

Well, last night I wept inconsolably. Sure, I had a genuine reason to be upset, but I was really, really crying, just really feeling it. This morning I threw up. It was odd. I was brushing my teeth and thought, “Something about this toothpaste does not agree with me,” and, the next thing I knew, I had thrown up.

I am not sure if this throwing up thing is going to be a recurring event, but the sheer amount of saliva in my mouth sometimes makes me want to hurl. What a weird side-effect: extra saliva.

The queasiness has definitely increased these last few days…most food is unappetizing, but very odd, specific items sound really good. I was longing for a hot dog. Kiyomi very sweetly bought me some hot dogs to eat yesterday. There were vegetarian, which was kind of not the point, but I was surprised they were okay. I want a meaty brat next time, though. Some extremely Germanic and ridiculous meat.

Right this moment I want a sub sandwich with cheese and lettuce and pepperocinis and oil and vinegar and French fries…I think from Eegee’s. I guess I’d take a chicken sandwich and fries from The Cup. God, how am I going to make it through the rest of the day with these stupid almonds and a pear? Oh, and carrot sticks! All the protein in our house seemed exceedingly disgusting this morning.

What if all I crave is junkish food? WHAT TO EAT WHEN YOU'RE EXPECTING, that extremely fascist tome, definitely warns against “inefficient eating” where you fill up on empty or sugary or fatty calories. I eat kale or broccoli everyday…and some fruit…and the goddamn carrot sticks…don’t I deserve some fries??? I think yes. And a hot dog. A real one. And a sandwich. Maybe a cookie? Hmmmm……hopefully my appetite lasts until the end of the school day.


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H1N1 is all over the news. I can’t listen to it or read the papers. I haven’t decided if I should experiment on the alien growing inside me by getting the vaccination. All the doctors say it’s safe…but what else would they say? The reality is, for the populace as a whole, it’s better if more people get it…so what if a few individuals experience bizarre and negative side effects?

I really haven’t thought of myself as someone who is fearful. I’m beginning to reconsider that. I feel gripped by this. It tugs and pinches at my heart. I’m trying to simply be present with this feeling. I want so desperately to reject this feeling. Or to fix it.

On the upside, I seem to be trusting of my actual body. I have had a few days of worried thoughts about ectopic pregnancy or, more recently, whether there will be a heartbeat when they listen in a week or so. But, I can really see those fears, feel them, and let them go. It’s like I actually just trust what’s happening. It’s surprising and nice. I sort of think trying to get pregnant for a year and struggling with trying to simply let go and accept my complete powerlessness over all the crazy bodily processes that I do not control, which is most as it turns out, might have had some lasting impact. Yay! I CAN learn!

This, though, is outside me. I’m facing potential constant exposure to some virus that even the newscasters talking about it seem to feel barely controlled panic about it at times. At moments it brings on almost epic paranoia for me. I can almost see the germs flying from the children’s mouths as they simply sit in class exhaling. I want to gag them all. Or wear one of those crazy, airtight oxygen masks. Maybe just a whole biohazard contamination jumpsuit!

I have already been less than kind when asking sniffling students why they came to school. It’s pretty clear from my indignant tone my first concern isn’t necessarily them. I took this Tibetan heart yoga workshop. According to this, whatever I want, I’m supposed to work toward somebody else having it. You see the connections to others, you work together to satisfy all your needs, blah blah blah. I am pretending the vat of hand sanitizer I force them to use and the open windows that refresh their germy air is for them as well. I mean, it could be, right?