Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Fear and Barfing

So, the best reason for keeping your pregnancy a secret as long as possible is the horrifying shit people tell you...in an effort to be helpful, I guess. Even some of my closest friends who know better have been hosing me down with fear. Last weekend at a dinner with friends, the conversation turned to swine flu. I was considering NOT getting the vaccination...because it's kind of scary to inject mysterious things into your body when you are growing a hopefully non-mutant little human in your belly. I mean, I would even consider getting it...but it's not even available at this point. I've got a whole month of potential swine flu expose that I can do absolutely NOTHING about...why work me up about this?

So, I've gotten to work with fear this weekend. Fun. I've made all my students (yes, I work with little walking disease vectors everyday) cough into their hands, wash hands, sanitize hands, etc. I'm prone to anxiety but not usually fear. Well, I guess I could consider this a great opportunity to work through fear. Weeee. I've been wracked with visions of me having the flu and then a horribly unhealthy, deformed baby. Or having to choose to terminate the pregnancy because I am almost dying. Yay.

I really wanted to enjoy this pregnancy. I am reminding myself that enjoying an experience doesn't mean it conforms to some previous notion of what I want the experience to be...it means accepting and finding ways to learn from/enjoy the actual experience I am having. Still. Fear? Ugh, it's awful.

On a less psychological note, I am definitely dragging a little. I'm not super exhausted, but I feel much more tired than usual in the mornings and afternoons than I normally do. Also, I have definite feelings of queasiness. Not intense, just something vaguely uneasy and unsettled about my stomach, especially after I eat. I guess this goes hand in hand with not really having much of an appetite...nothing sounds really appealing, except particular odd things. The last two nights I've really wanted a hot dog.

We'll see.

2 comments:

  1. Tell your kids to cough in to their sleeves or sweaters (oh yeah, they're in AZ) or some other material...something they can wash vs counting on their hands not touching something before being washed.

    I love your blog - I can't wait to read about all these details. The fear/anxiety/uncertainty is a part of the experience, right?

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  2. I have read them the riot act on sneezing into their elbows...some of them still DON'T!!!! So stupid! Little germbodies. Ugh.

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